Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
