I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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