I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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