I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
