Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
