forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
