they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
