Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
