I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
