party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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