we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize