they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
