If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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