Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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