too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
