I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
