There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
