apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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