she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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