So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
