I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
