my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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