so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
