good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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