We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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