How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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