I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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