now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize