I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
