please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do herpes really smell.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
