I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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