I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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