I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
