I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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