You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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