glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
