He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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