I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
