i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
