Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
