Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
