Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I want to fling myself into the sun
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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