im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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