a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Still dying that you shit outside
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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