I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize