The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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