My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
