just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
