We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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