My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My life is pants optional.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
