I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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