boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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