I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
