I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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