I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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