I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
apparently the secret to your success is patron
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
