Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
