bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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