I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
