On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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