remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
