I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize