the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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