come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
