I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
