i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
