AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
