I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
