I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
