Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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