i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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