not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize