They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
