Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
