her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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