can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Randomize
