Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
