Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You pole danced in your parka.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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