thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
