Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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