I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
