If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
