Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
